Katherine Reynolds Lewis says the latest generation of children haven’t learned self-regulation — the ability to manage their emotions, behavior and thoughts. (Photo by Suz Redfearn)

A new parenting book offers advice for raising challenging children.

Tearing your hair out because your kids won’t behave? The problem may lie in the fact that you’re relying on a parenting playbook that’s obsolete.

In her new book “The Good News About Bad Behavior: Why Kids are Less Disciplined Than Ever — And What to Do About it” (PublicAffairs), award-winning journalist and parenting educator Katherine Reynolds Lewis contends that disciplinary strategies that worked with previous generations won’t fly with today’s youngsters.

“The Good News About Bad Behavior” combines the author’s interviews, observations and personal experiences with the latest scientific research and presents solutions to parents’ most pressing challenges.

A Rockville resident and member of Washington Hebrew Congregation, Lewis, 45, says her interest in contemporary parenting issues started at home with her own three children.

“When our youngest daughter, Ava, was 3½, we realized she was very different than our older children,” says Lewis. “She was so stubborn, didn’t want to get up, didn’t want to get dressed, brush her teeth, go to bed.”

Lewis found that the strategies she and her husband, Brian, implemented with their other children — timeouts, sticker charts and simply counting to three — weren’t effective with Ava.

Meanwhile, volunteer stints in the kindergarten class of her daughter Maddie reinforced Lewis’ view that today’s “children were behaving differently. … They were more distracted, kinetic, always moving. Parents would say, ‘He has ADHD,’ or ‘She has anxiety.’ That’s when my journalism brain kicked in. I was wondering why are there so many children being diagnosed with these disorders now, and I started looking at the research.”

What Lewis discovered was shocking. A 2010 National Institute of Mental Health study found that one in two children will develop a mood, behavioral or substance abuse disorder, and nearly one in three will be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder by age 18.

Even more alarming, Lewis’ analysis of a Centers for Disease Control and Prevention study found that the suicide rate for children between the ages of 10 and 14 has doubled in the past decade. She set out to find out why and what could be done about it.

Lewis says “powerful laboratory and observational research” has shown that three main factors are to blame for the dramatic uptick in emotional and cognitive functioning problems in children and adolescents: the lack of play during childhood; overexposure to media and technology; and fewer opportunities for children to contribute and connect to their families and communities.

All of these factors, she says, have resulted in a generation of children who haven’t learned self-regulation — the ability to manage their emotions, behavior and thoughts.

“The Good News About Bad Behavior” proposes a system of core principles that Lewis calls the “Apprenticeship Model.” Designed to teach children self-control, the system is fueled by parents’ emotional connections with their children, parent/child communication about problems and the building of children’s capabilities.

Foundational to Lewis’ theory is the assumption that limit-setting equals love, as well as what she terms “the Four Rs. Any consequences should be respectful of the kid and parent, reasonable in scope, related to the behavior, decision or choice the child has made, and revealed in advance.”

Lewis advocates weekly family meetings where parents and children share appreciation for what has gone well during the week, as well as concerns about what’s gone wrong. She says limits should be discussed at the meetings and “children should be part of coming up with the limits.”

Though today’s “helicopter parents” are accustomed to swooping in and rescuing their offspring, Lewis advises against this. She contends that solving their own problems builds children’s self-esteem and helps them to become strong, capable and resilient.

Lewis encourages parents to empathize and provide encouragement for their children when they struggle. Empathy, says Lewis, helps the brain to self-regulate, particularly when it is received from someone close to us. Parents also can help their children think and talk their problems through, says Lewis, but they shouldn’t attempt to control the outcomes of their problems.

Lewis counsels parents to place less emphasis on children’s achievements and more on their internal strengths. “Make sure that their whole identity and sense of worth isn’t tied up in their achievements,” she says. After all, “there will always be somebody faster or smarter or more talented.”

Furthermore, Lewis says today’s children aren’t given enough responsibilities in their households and communities. She argues that chores like laundry, dinner preparations and caring for younger siblings teach children important life skills while helping them to feel a sense of independence and belonging.

Lewis also urges parents to give up on trying to be perfect — both for their own and their children’s sakes.

“Show them that it’s OK to make a mistake, to struggle and to take steps to self-regulate,” she says. “We’re all works in progress and we shouldn’t feel we’re alone. We should share our successes and support each other.”

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